Reverend Johnny Dragon

Do you ever have one of those days where every little thing seems to make you want to cry? It doesn’t have to be anything in particular that sets the tears a rolling, you know they are just there waiting for whatever excuse that seems appropriate. I am not afraid to admit that I have those days. A lot of people especially Men are afraid to express their emotions, except of course anger. That emotion appears to be acceptable no matter what. The point is, the very first day of the New Year has been a rather emotional one for me.

As everyone in my World knows I have spent pretty much the past decade working with Alcoholics and Drug Addicts. It absolutely would be a lie for me to say that it was a thankless job, because that just wouldn’t be true. I got to see a lot of miraculous stuff happen during my tenure. I got to see the hopeless find hope, the worthless find worth and the defeated find…umm…feet? Well you know what I mean. I also met a lot of Family Members who have gone out of their way over the years to keep me posted on their loved ones progress and who have always expressed their gratitude for the fact that God chose to use me to help change their loved ones lives. Of course there were always those rough Customers, but this piece isn’t really about them.

I am no longer in the field of Chemical Dependency and to be quite honest I probably could have picked a more noble way to say Goodbye to my vocation, however, my experience shows that probably just wouldn’t have been my style. There is also the fact that I am perfectly happy not to have that be my profession any more. Again, nothing negative about the profession. I know a quite a few people who work in the field of Chemical Dependency and the Vocation is fortunate to have them. I also know a lot of ridiculous ones as well, but hey, let’s face it, every profession have substandard performers. The point is, I feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish, I was good at what I did, and now I am done doing it. Very cut and dry! This probably bothers one or two people in my World, but let’s face it, it really kind of fits when you consider who we are dealing with here. God seems to look out for Children, Drunks and apparently Slackers. I have been all three at many times in my life.

In all of my experience working with Alcoholics and Drug Addicts, the one thing that took the most toll on me were the Individuals who made the decision to use drugs again and for whatever reason their bodies just could not handle the experience and they simply died. They did not get a freebie, or a do over, they just died a sad and lonely death and with them they took pieces of everyone who truly cared about them. That last line was not written to instill emotion, but rather a simple statement of fact. Addicts and Alcoholics use large quantities of substances as a Solution to the problem of being…well, being alive. In the process of using those substances the human body is pushed beyond its limits and it just shuts down. This is where it becomes ludicrous to think any one would consciously choose to do this. I am not talking about the ones who made a conscious decision to take their own lives, I am talking about the ones who fully intended to wake up the next morning and do it all again. I actually said that to a Social Worker once in an Emergency Room when she asked me to prove to her that I was not trying to kill myself. I looked her square in the eye and without missing a beat, I told her this. “My dear, I wasn’t trying to kill myself because I fully intended to do this again tomorrow.” Insane…I know.

There have been numerous people who I have worked very closely with over the past decade who have passed away due to addiction. Every single one of them have had an effect on me. On January 5th a Family in Corpus Christi will be remembering the 2nd Anniversary of the passing of their Son. He was in his late teens, still very much a Kid, a Kid who had made some very bad decisions. He received some narcotics after a visit to a local Emergency Room, went to bed at his Grandparents house and was found dead the next morning. His Mother called me that morning in hysterics and once again I experienced that feeling of extreme lacking, a lacking that comes with the realization of the fact that you are simply a human being who really has no power to stop death. It is a helpless and lonely feeling, You go home and you feel guilty that your Children are okay while another Family’s World is irrevocably shattered. You hug your Children tighter and you suddenly experience overwhelming anxiety every time they fall down or scrape their knee. You walk in the shoes of the loved one and you desperately hold on to those people who have gone before and are living their lives sober and successful. You bury yourself in work or something happens that becomes the distraction. For me, two days after the death of this young man, I was in a massive car accident where I broke my neck in three places and my back in two. I was pretty much incapacitated for awhile, pretty much pulling me out of the grieving process surrounding this young mans death. Now two years later, four days from the Anniversary of his death I am now faced with it once more. I found an Facebook Message that was sent to me on November 1st 2011. For some reason Facebook dumped it into a folder that I had no idea existed. I found it today and this is what she had written.

“You know you spent the most time with Brandon in those last months before this tragedy. I lost that as a mom; I didn’t get to see him. It would be nice and helpful for me emotionally if you could share your thoughts or feelings of Brandon in your life. I have to live with much guilt about playing the “tough love” card; it’s hard. Hope you find time to respond.” Then she sent a follow up message today based on my response to her. This is what she wrote, “I never blamed You for Brandon’s death …. I just wanted you to maybe give me some memories you have of my son I miss him soo much I remember when you were in the hospital you told me you had a dream of Brandon and y’all were making breakfast tacos and you could even smell the aroma anyway you were someone that Brandon really respected well and me too I hope you and your family are well …6 kids I can’t imagine… happy new year.”
Words have the ability to invoke so much emotion. I had pushed this young mans death so far below the surface of my emotional psyche and in one moment all the old wounds lay open and bare. I am glad that the emotions are there and I am glad that they are raw. I would not like myself very much if they weren’t. What I feel today is real and not medicated and those feelings belong to me damn it and I own them lock stock and barrel. There is a Mother in Corpus Christi who is constantly reminded of the loss of her Son. Not just another statistic of Drug Addiction but a living breathing piece of her soul. She brought him home from the Hospital when he was born and she gave him love and comfort. She was the one who put band aids on scrapes and kissed bruises better. She took him to school on his first day and told him to be brave even when he did not want to be. She watched him grow from a boy into a man and then she had to make hard decisions in an effort to help him over-come addiction. Finally she had to lay him to rest and say a final Goodbye that had never ever been a part of this deal called Motherhood. The below poem was pasted on her Facebook Page.

I guess I do understand why I am having one of those days…you know…the kind where tears hover on the edge of you eyelids…the kind of tears that hover on the edge of your soul… So I don’t know about you, but I think I am gonna go have myself a good cry, and then I am gonna try and tell a Mother what her son was like in the last three months before his death.

Hug those you love a little harder and a little longer and I wish you all a Happy New Year!

I am a huge fan of Evangelist Pastor Jay Bakker. He is the Son of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker from the defunct PTL Club, the Ministry that suffered great scandal in the 1980′s. Jay has written two books that have been pivotal in my own faith called “Son Of A Preacher Man” and “Fall To Grace”. He spent a lot of years struggling with his own personal demons and now has his own Ministry in Brooklyn, New York called Revolution. His church is run out of a local bar and he works with individuals that have felt forsaken by the Church and presents the message of God’s Grace and acceptance. A message that has been bastardized over time by the Religious Right through years of judgment and exclusion of the very people that Jesus Christ came to Minister and to Comfort.

Mark 2:17 On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

In one of his sermons Jay talks about how people come to the Church broken, forgotten, and in great need of God’s Grace. Once they embrace that unconditional Grace, it then becomes very easy to look at others in their same straits and start passing judgment and rules that would deter them from being a part of the very thing that they themselves had been so desperately seeking. This concept intrigued me greatly and really opened my eyes to the hypocrisy that seems to become the Norm in modern day Christianity. It also showed me why so many people are willing to turn their backs on what they believe is the tenants of the Church and what Jesus represents. The reality is that this is the exact opposite of what Jesus taught and modeled as the Son of God. God did not send Jesus as some great and powerful deity full of pomp and circumstance to sit upon a lofty throne in the confines of a luxurious temple. He was not sent to hang out with the Spiritually Superior and pass judgment upon those who Society has forsaken. His daily duties did not involve sentencing those who did not fit a certain mold to an eternity of hell and damnation. He was sent to accomplish just the contrary. Jesus was born in a stable, and grew up a Carpenter. His life was simplistic and he hung out with the Tax Collectors, prostitutes, and anyone else deemed unworthy of God. In a nutshell he hung out with people like me. He experienced true human emotion that he did not have to experience. One of my favorite stories of Christ was when he was informed that his friend Lazarus was extremely ill and needed his healing. Jesus did not return immediately, but when he did, he was informed that Lazarus had already died. John 11:35 Jesus wept. The shortest verse in the Bible, but offers so much insight into Jesus’s humanity. You see, Jesus knew what was going to happen. He knew that moments later he would say the words that would restore life to his friend an all would be well. Instead, however, he took a moment and experienced grief and loss. He allowed himself to experience pain that only those people who have lost someone close truly understand. Jesus did not have to feel any of that, but understood the importance of doing so. For me this is so incredibly powerful.

Another moment is in Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Jesus knew that very soon he would be taken away to accomplish his ultimate purpose and he fully knew how difficult and painful it would be. In that moment he did what many of us would have done when facing a painful proposition, he prayed that if at all possible please don’t make me do this if I do not have to do it. This is going to be hard and it is going to hurt and I really would rather not have to do this if at all possible. He ends it by saying that if that if this is an impossibility, I am fully willing to do what you need me to do no matter what. My faith has continually been strengthen by the Humanity of Christ, and not His Majestic Spiritual Role.

I did not begin this piece for the purpose of promoting my Faith. For those of you who really know me I take a Spiritual rather than a Religious perspective on Faith. I support all Faiths and do not believe that one is right and all others are wrong. I do not believe that the vast majority of this planet has been sentenced to some arbitrary eternal life of damnation simply because of the geographical location where they happened to have the bad fortune of being born. This is a ridiculous idea and I am ashamed of the fact that people truly believe this is even possible. If that ruffles your feathers, well that is just too bad. This is about loving all of the people all of the time and that is the bottom line. The reason I started this piece is because of the recent changes in my life.

I have spent the better part of the decade working in the Field of Chemical Dependency in not only the Clinical aspect of the profession but also strictly in the Spiritual aspect of Recovery. God has used me to help hundreds, if not thousands of individuals who have suffered from the disease of Addiction. I assure you that I am not bragging, I give God all of the credit because I fully understand my limitations as a human being. I also know that it has been by the Grace of God because I can assure you and so could those closet to me that I have by no means been a Saint. In fact the majority of my forty years on this planet has been full of shame and disgrace. My behavior has not been characteristic of someone walking a Spiritual path of enlightenment and the example I have set in my personal life has been horrendous at best. God, however, has chosen to use me for a purpose that until recently I had never fully valued. My personal Recovery has been riddled by dishonesty, ego, hypocrisy and self-destruction. No matter how badly I have tried to sabotage my own life, God has consistently been there to pick me up, dust me off, and then provide an even better path of opportunity. On November 21^st 2011 I once again had one of these experiences. I have left the Vocation of Chemical Dependency once more and although one is taught to never say never, I fully intend never to do this as a job ever again. I was good at it, hell, I would even say I was great at it. I lived and breathed the job and over the years I sacrificed pieces of myself that I will never get back. I tried to be a Hero to everyone except the very people who already considered me to be their hero. I couldn’t give two shits about money or notoriety. There are plenty of ways to make money, drive expensive cars and define one self by the title you carry. All of that is empty bullshit and I pity all of those people who think that means a goddamn thing. Please do not flatter your ego by thinking that I am talking about any one of you who may or may not be reading this. In the words of Carly Simon, “Your so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”

The point is that prior to November 21^st, my phone rang off the hook with people wanting direction, demanding to know the answers to life, wanting advice on every stupid, mundane issue of their existence. Crying out their souls an seeking solace for past indiscretions. My office was constantly filled with broken individuals begging for insight and affirmation that their lives somehow held a purpose. I sacrificed dinners with my Family, days off, full nights sleep, time with my Children and intimacy with my Wife. I would sit in church and obsess about text messages that demanded my immediate attention when I should have been communing with the Spirit. I agreed to things that deep inside I new were the dumbest ideas on the planet just to appease the egos of others. I placed great importance in the opinions of people who in reality were really just wastes of time. Now, the funny thing is that after November 21^st, all of those people simply disappeared. My phone has gone almost completely silent. Where did all of these people suddenly go? Don’t get me wrong I have received a great deal of support from a bunch of people but most of them have no connection to the “Principal Following Community of Recovery.” The ones who have reached out have all been people that I have not always shown the appropriate respect and who at one time or another I have treated them negatively. These are the members of the Recovery Community that have shown me love and support, not the ones I have sacrificed heart and soul to be there when they needed me most. It has also been the people who are not addicts, and who have had no experience with Recovery that have shown me love and support. I actually find this frigging hilarious and ridiculous.

In all my years of being a Recovered Alcoholic I have never wished to be a Normal Person and for the first time I wish I was. Not because I wish to drink like a normal person, but because for the first time I am ashamed to be associated with many of those who claim to be Recovered. It will be very easy for most people to simply chalk all of this up as sour grapes and that is just fine with me. The Universe simply gets to the point when it has had enough and it simply wipes its ass with those people who are too blind to see their own selfish stupidity. I speak for experience, on November 21^st it wiped its ass of me and I deserved the wiping.

For the first time in my life I get to just be J.D. I get to be the husband my Wife deserves to have, the Father my Children deserve to have, the Son my Parents deserve to have and most of all I get to be the Servant that God has always intended me to be. For those of you who still care, I thank you for all that you have done in the past few weeks. You know who you are and I value you greatly. Most of you walked into Recovery broken and seeking direction. Once you became a part of the fellowship you refused to make rules or pass judgment on those seeking that same acceptance. Please continue to hold your heads high and “Practice those Principals in all of your affairs.” To my Normie Friends, thank you for seeing me for me and being good with that no matter what. You have no idea what this has meant. To the rest of you…”I am alive and doing fine.”  I would appreciate it if you would permanently lose my phone number.

J. Fucking D. has left the building.

“That night, freed from the nightmare of the rats, the citizens of Hamelin slept more soundly than ever. And when the strange sound of piping wafted through the streets at dawn, only the children heard it. Drawn as by magic, they hurried out of their homes. Again, the pied piper paced through the town, this time, it was children of all sizes that flocked at his heels to the sound of his strange piping.

The long procession soon left the town and made its way through the wood and across the forest till it reached the foot of a huge mountain. When the piper came to the dark rock, he played his pipe even louder still and a great door creaked open. Beyond lay a cave. In trooped the children behind the pied piper, and when the last child had gone into the darkness, the door creaked shut.”- The Pied Piper of Hamelin, Tales From The Brothers Grimm

So yeah, I get it, I have not written anything in a long time…sorry. I have to be inspired to write something and unfortunately my inspiration has been placed on hold while I pour my soul into being good at my profession. I read a lot of blogs that are just mindless dribble, cranked out daily because someone has to keep up with advertising. I on the other hand do not have anyone stupid enough to advertise on my page, therefore, not an issue.

Most of you are familiar with my background with alcoholism and addiction and I appreciate those of you who read my stuff even though you yourself have had very little experience with those issues. The Program of Recovery specifically runs off of the concept of “placing principles before personalities.” What a concept huh? In a nutshell this means that we deal with each other on a higher level. We put steadfast principles first and we work around the personalities of others no matter what dysfunction they may bring to the table. This does not mean we blindly accept those personalities, but rather we understand them and operating from our own experience in Recovery, we make ourselves available for Service and we are careful not to be assholes about it. That last statement is in laymen terms by the way. So why am I ranting about this? Simple, I am starting to see less and less of this in the rooms of 12-Step Recovery. Maybe it never was there and I have simply been living in la la land, who knows?

What bothers me is that we constantly tell the newcomer to 12-Step Recovery to reach out to those who have what they want. This means connect with individuals that you want to be like. The problem with this is that if people are not “placing principles before personalities”, then who actually has anything that anyone wants? You are probably asking yourself what has brought this on? In the past year I feel like I have run into example after example of Individuals with decades of sobriety who have lost all concept of what it means to practice principles. Not just people sitting quietly in the back of the room, but people who have been placed on pedestals in the World of 12-Step Recovery. I once watched a Nationally sought after 12-Step Speaker, speak eloquently from the podium about the tenants of Recovery and then actively pursue Women new in the Program because deep within his soul he was really just a Predator at Heart. This is just one of hundreds of examples of “Good for the Gander but not for the Goose”. I’ve seen it time and time again where 12-Step Recovery creates a Guru. Someone who people chomp at the bit and go out of their way to sit at their feet and worship. The danger in this comes when people, especially newcomers lay the foundation of their Recovery on the press clippings of a “Paper God”. It is very easy to mistake Charisma for a genuine way of life. This is just not okay and I am absolutely disgusted by it.

I think my biggest issue with this is that I too wanted to be one of those people. I would watch them stand at the podium and mesmerize hundreds of people and I wanted to be that so badly. The scales have fallen from my eyes as I realize that these people are simply that…people. They experience the same problems as I do and they deal with life on life’s terms on a daily basis. The problem I have with them is the problem I have with me. I loose perspective of the big picture and my humility flies out the window. I forget who has gotten me their in the first place and I take back the control. What I have found is that when God hands me back the control, that is where the explosions begin. I have no business trying to be in that “divine drivers seat.” When it comes down to it I just feel sorry for these “Paper Gods”. The majority of them speak recklessly without considering the effect they may have on the impressionable and the broken. Individuals who crave undying devotion over real truth and substance in Recovery. In the end I just feel sorry for them.

These Individuals are always going to exist, and it is the Recovery Communities job to keep them in the appropriate perspective. No one standing in the podium are Rock Stars. They are people who have taken the absolute worst possible behavior and by practicing the appropriate principles and tenants of 12-Step Recovery have a solution that might just benefit others. They are not to be worshiped or followed like a self-proclaimed cult leader. The World has plenty of those and plenty of people willing to drink the Kool Aid. Don’t be one of them!

In Recovery we spend a great deal of time talking about experience, strength and hope when it comes to no longer living a life dependent on alcohol and or drugs. This is all fine and good, but I have found that we also have a lot of opinions on other things that most of us have no real experience to base said opinion. One of these areas has to do with personal relationships. There is nothing I love more than when people give relationship advice based off Sandra Bullock movies. You know what I’m talking about, get a plant and if the plant lives in a year get a dog and…well you get the picture. Hollywood nonsense based nothing on what is real. If following these guidelines rock your boat then so be it! Do not, however think that any of that has any true bearing on what is truth.

I often get asked to do talks on Relationships in Recovery and I generally give a resounding no. Why? Simple, I am absolutely the last person that should ever be giving direction on what a healthy relationship should look like. Now, if you ever need to research a book on what a really sick relationship should look like then I am your man! I am writing all of this for one specific purpose and that is to say that for some of us, God understands that He must actually step in and make something happen or most of us would just wander around aimlessly bumping in to trees. Four years ago God did that for me.

It was at that time that he brought the incomparable Ms. Sherri St. George in to my life. You see, Texas was the last place on Earth she should have ever have come to live, and Sears is absolutely the last place on the planet that I would have ever worked. God decided that humor and irony would rule the day and a partnership unlike any other came to be. Most people don’t get me, but she does. Sherri helps me see potential that I never knew could even exist. As of February 28 we have been married for three years and I have cherished every single moment. We have gone through the birth of two beautiful little boys and we have combined four other Children in a seamless combination of love and support. We have survived some major upheavals in our lives and have come out the other side hand in hand, drying each others tears as we inevitably fall back in to laughter. Her brilliant mind and heart stopping smile move my soul. The best thing about all of it is that she is my Best Friend, and only God is smart enough to allow you to marry your best friend. I love you Sherri St. George Darley and thank you for marrying me three years ago. Thank you God for doing for me what I could never do for myself.

So when we went to the Hospital on Tuesday the April 13^th we really weren’t sure what to expect. It was a toss up whether or not my neck had totally fused back together and this was the moment that would decide whether or not I would walk out in a Cervical Collar or schedule fusion surgery. For those of you who are unaware of what that looks like, it is major surgery where they make an incision in your throat, move your larynx out of the way and then screw your vertebrae back together. Now, just between you and I, I had to have someone explain to me exactly what a larynx was, and also just between you and I, I was perfectly happy with it staying exactly where it currently resides, but I digress. The kicker in all of this is that I had been in a Halo Brace for the past three months. It’s a giant hunk of metal that is literally screwed directly into your skull. Very painful and very awkward. The fun part is all the fascinating questions you get to answer over and over again. I was going to list some of those questions here but on the off chance one of you asked one of those questions, I have no desire to make you feel bad. Also, as much as you appreciate being told over and over again that you are lucky to be alive, eventually even that gets a bit old. I get it, I almost missed out on every thing that mattered in my world and they almost missed out on me. No matter how many jokes you tell and no matter how you try and play it off, there comes a time when you just want people to quit staring. The funny part is that I love to be the center of attention, but for the first time I just wanted to be part of the nondescript back drop of life.

Here’s the other part that weighed heavily. I got up to go to work on January 7^th and in one moment everything went on hold. Life stopped as we knew it. Every day you get up faced with the idea that you should probably be dead, but you aren’t. Every one around you has no idea how to react. My Wife was a total trooper through it all, but you could see those moments where it would hit her like a ton of bricks. Everything would be normal, and then someone would burst in to tears and all bets would be off. Most people don’t understand that when something like this happens, you truly stay suspended in the middle of the accident. In a lot of ways its still happening to you and there are numerous reminders. The Brace itself is big and bulky and the square top that surrounds your head is connected to a heavy plastic vest lined with sheep wool. It sits on your shoulders and could probably stop a bullet. It can’t be taken off for numerous reasons, the least of which once again is the fact that there are four titanium screws an eighth of an inch into my skull. Sleeping is difficult at best and you have to stand completely up just to change positions. You have to take sponge baths and it smells like hell. You have trouble shaving and you cannot cut your hair. None of this is even the worst part. The worst part is the inability to be close to anyone who matters. This is a time when you need a hug all the time and you are denied the ability to do it. You miss being able to touch. The best thing I can compare it to is being trapped in a cage. I never understood that feeling, but I do now.

In all of this I never got down and I never blamed anyone or anything for my circumstances. I was embraced by my neighborhood, my church, my job and all the members of the Recovery Community. My Children learned so much through all of this and never made me feel different. I know that they have a different outlook now when they see others who are in a similar situation and show so much sensitivity when it comes to helping others. Most of all my relationship with my Wife got stronger and I have fully embraced the unconditional love I have with my Best friend and Partner. I want her to know that I think she is the strongest person in the World and I know without question that I could have gotten through none of this without her. She was fiercely protective of me and went above and beyond in every way.

So back to the Hospital. They took off most of the brace and took some x rays and in the end they determined that my neck had fused well. Needless to say the feelings were overwhelming. I felt a freedom and a relief that had not been there in a long time. My Wife cried and we got to hug for the first time in three months. There is so much more that I am grateful for and fully realize that I had taken all of it for granted. For the first time it felt like there had been some closure. I am thankful to God and to every one who kept me in their thoughts and prayers through out all of this. I realize what I almost missed out on and plan on spending the rest of my life experiencing every single moment of it.

One last note. Next time your out and about, take a look around. You never know who just be trapped in a cage. Be aware, be open, be kind, and most of all be the person that God wants you to be. It might be exactly what they need.

“I have to visualize my God. In my mind he is twenty feet tall and I have my arm wrapped around his thigh with his hand on top of my head.  When my Father has me, nothing can touch me, not whiskey, not Women, not cocaine, when my Father has all of me…Bring it on!” -Mark Houston

This is my tribute to The Old man.  It was a name that I called him to behind his back and to a select others, but never to his face.  It was created out of love and respect, but I was smart enough to never test it.

So years ago I decided to become a Substance Abuse Counselor. I made decision for all the wrong reasons.  I thought it was about helping people in addiction but it was really about my own ego and how I would be seen by others.  It was about the pats on the back and not about what it meant to truly help others.  I paid for that mistake four years ago when after having several former Clients die in addiction and the realization that I was doing my best to play God, I myself went through a very difficult relapse and the embarrassment of passing out in my office under the influence of prescription medication.  I was terminated from my position and essentially my career came to an end.  I skulked quietly in to the night, turning my back on the Chemical Dependency Field forever.

I then went to work on my personal Recovery and took a job that emphasized to me daily what humility truly meant.  I went through a bad divorce and prepared to be married to the great Individual that I am married to today.  Two years in to all of this I received a phone call asking me if I wanted to get back ii to the Chemical Dependency Field and I firmly said no.  I had not forgotten my past lesson and was not willing to experience it again.  My Wife is a lot more level headed than I am and she asked me to go out and at least consider the possibility.  She was able to see more in me than I could.  I needed to make amends with an old friend so I took the day and went out to this Recovery Center that I had never heard of called Mark Houston Recovery.  I went through the initial process and realized how muched I missed working with people in addiction, however, I was not sold.

I soon found myself sitting across the desk from The Old Man himself.  Mark was older with white hair and a white beard, but that was as far as his age was conveyed.  Mark was a powerful man with a powerful approach.  He talked about personal Recovery and he drilled me about mine.  he wanted to know about how many meetings I was attending, how many men I was sponsoring, did I have a Sponsor?  He asked me if I understood something called Goal Setting and the importance of the process.  Mark made it clear that any one who worked for him would model true Recovery.  He understood that no one could transmit what they did not have. This was the strangest interview I had ever been on and I was blown away.  To be honest, every where I had ever worked in a traditional setting, no one had ever asked me these things.  The impression I had always been given was that my personal Recovery was my business and if anything I was encouraged not to be too heavily involved in the Recovery Community because that might take away from my effectiveness.  Personal Recovery?  What a novel concept.

I walked out of that office with a job.  A job with an organization that was approaching Recovery differently than anyone in the Nation.  I had just gained a spot on the ground level of what was soon to become one of the most cutting edge approaches in the field of Chemical Dependency.  We didn’t do Treatment, we did Recovery.  Over the years I have discovered that gaining a spot and keeping a spot are two different things.  The Old Man pulled me aside one day and looked me in the eye and told me that he did not like what he was seeing and that if I didn’t do something soon then I was on my way to a Relapse.  My first thought? Fuck you Old Man, who the hell do you think you are?  I accept your challenge and I will show you.  I spent the next month in one of my most intensive studies ever with the 12-Steps.  I came out the other side with a new understanding and a new strength in my Recovery.  The Old Man was right and once again he had affected me in the only way he knew I would respond.

Another time I looked across the desk from him after I had colored outside of the lines and he was beside himself.  I will never forget what he said.  He said, “J.D., you are the Terrell Owens of Chemical Dependency.  When you are on your game, no one can touch you, but when you are off, you fuck up every thing.”  That will forever be what I call the Great T.O. Conversation. I never forgot any lesson he ever taught me.

I received a phone call on Friday, February 19th, 2010, giving me the news that I had never expected to hear.  Mark Houston had passed away suddenly and had not been able to be revived.  I was stunned.  I couldn’t believe it.  Quite frankly most people had a healthy fear of the Old Man and I assumed that Death felt the same way.  I cried sporadically, talked about it a lot, demanded to know how he could have been so irresponsible, but mostly I just grieved deeply about the loss of someone who had meant so much.  It hurt to think that I would never get a chance to make him laugh.  Out of every one in the world with the exception of my Wife Sherri, he was the one person who I loved to make laugh.  He laughed from his soul and it was healing.  I sat on the front porch of the main office the Tuesday before he died talking with him while he smoked a cigarette that he was constantly trying to quit.  I had been out for awhile after a car accident and I was telling him how I had been shocking people when I caught them staring at my Halo Brace.  He started laughing in that booming way only he could do and I remember what he said.  “People stare because it forces them to see their own weakness, the fear that it could happen to them, and the guilt behind the fact that its not them that has to do it.  It means your stronger than them J.D. and it pisses them off.”  I am so glad I had that moment with him.

I started this peice with a quote.  It was my favorite Mark Houston quote and every time I heard it it made me feel like I could do anything.  The first time my Wife heard it she was moved deeply but she had a much different reaction.  I will never forget what she said because she said it again the other night.  She said, “What an incredible statement and how cool is it gonna be when his God actually catches him?”  Last Friday God caught him, and although I am heart broken, I am also happy for the Old Man.  Mark had no biological Children, but he was a Father to many, including a broken down alcoholic Drug Counselor that no one else wanted to believe in.

I refuse to let him die and will continue to carry his message on in spirit.  I may not always work for Mark Houston Recovery, but I will always work with Mark Houston.  Here’s to you Old Man, try not to give God too hard of a time.

2 Corinthians 12:9

9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

On January 7^th, 2009 I was in a car accident. I was on my way to work at 6:30AM, not playing with the radio, not messing with my phone and definitely not under the influence of any substance other than caffeine. I simply came around a corner and before I could react, I had driven under a school bus. When I opened up my eyes, or came to or whatever happened, I was staring at the bumper of the Bus, inches away from my face. Someone called 911 and covered me in a blanket. Things are pretty hazy but I do remember the ambulance ride to the Hospital and being told over and over how lucky I was. I hurt all over, but my first concern was really how my pregnant Wife was going to deal with the news. She is very level headed but when one of her people experience danger she goes into Mama Bear mode like you would not believe.

Even after getting to the Hospital I still did not recognize the degree of my injuries. I figured that they would fix me right up and send me home. Maybe miss the rest of the week of work, lay in the recliner and vegetate for a few days. I was rolled back and forth and never thought anything could hurt that bad. I was x-rayed and MRIed and eventually told that I had broken my neck, back and most of my ribs and that I needed to realize just how lucky I was. It still did not seem all that real.

My background with addiction is extensive so I have a lot of fear around pain medication and all of a sudden I had no choice if I expected to feel any relief from very extensive injuries. The Doctor was very clear that I had to heal and that pain could slow down the process if my mind was in the wrong place. He then told me how lucky I was. It is at this point that I would like all of you to know that I refuse to refer to it as luck. I stopped being lucky years ago. I was where I was because God had me, and he had all of me.

I managed to have a good attitude through all of this and none of that has anything to do with anything I am doing on my own power. I have no other power than the power God provides for me on a daily basis. Please do not think it has all been sunshine and lollipops. I have had those questionable moments of doubt and worry. Those moments where fear creeps in and decides that now is a great chance to shake up the situation. The difference is that now these moments are fleeting and I actually talk about them without fear of judgment. I have also been able to see God in other people a lot clearer than I normally do. My Wife has been so awesome in this situation and has shown me unconditional love in all of our trials. She has cared for me, physically and emotionally. She has cried with me and has listened to me unload my fears and frustrations. I have heard people say that they have seen the love of Christ through the actions of others and Sherri has set that example for me. I have fallen so short in this area.

My AA sponsor and probably my best friend with the exception of my Wife has been with me in some shape or form every day. He has walked me through some tough moments, has helped me shave when I could not do it on my own and brought every one Girl Scout Cookies because sometimes thats exactly what you need to make things better. He has done these things quietly and without wish of recognition or fan fare. He has taught me things about integrity and character that I will forever be grateful. I have seen the love of Christ through his actions and I thank Don Mabry with all my heart.

My Wifes best friend Britta flew into town and has been taking care of the house and making the Kids feel safe and secure. She has made me feel like a member of her Family and I love her dearly. Our neighborhood has banded together and brought food. People I do not even know cared enough to do what they could just to let us know that we were not alone. Our Church has done the same as well as near and dear friends who just want to say that they are there. I have learned so much humility through all of this and have had no trouble seeing God in all of these people.

It is so easy to become cynical in this day and age. We watch our politicians work against each other even when so many would be helped if they just worked together. We see people take advantage of each other and treat each other without any sense of love or respect. Our children grow up feeling the need to tear each other down based on the example we set as parents. Addiction runs rampant as we pass judgment on others and look down our noses from our lofty pedestals of perfection. Meanwhile people are dying daily, alone and without hope, and until it hits us in our own back yard, it is just easier to ignore. This is just a small amount of what Christians do on a daily basis that sends out the message that God is not about love, but rather about casting aside the very people that Jesus came to save.

Why does it take a near death experience to see the love and grace of God in those people that surround us on a daily basis? How great would it be to be able to do that no matter what is going on in our lives. I want this and have a real willingness to pursue this daily. It is only through my connection with God that I am able to see any of these things. It is only through the conscious contact that I have with Him that any of this is possible. I challenge myself daily to pour myself into Gods word and in that personal interaction I have with Him. I may have a broken neck, but I have never had to carry my own cross and then die for anyone, let alone everyone. How hard could it be to see Him in others?

I challenge each and every one of you to see God in those around you. Be nicer to that waiter that gets on your nerves. Understand that you get to stand in that line in the Grocery Store while others stand in line just to get a bottle of water for their Children. Put aside the judgment of others because you have no understanding of what its like to be in their shoes. Love each other a little more today…what do you have to lose? After my accident my Grandmother called me and told me that I needed to run out and start a Church because I would never truly be able to show God the appreciation that he deserved for the blessings in my life. She was being funny, but you know what? I just might just follow her advice.

My Wife and I have five kids between us and a happy surprise due in July.  I remember telling my parents at the ripe old age of 20 that I did not want kids nor would I ever have any.  God has an incredible sense of humor.  Our youngest, Jack, just turned one in November and in a very short period of time he has taught me so much.  Jack has a sense of humor, and loves to make people laugh.  Jack very seldom takes anything personally, and when we have to discipline him he seems to think that he has done us a favor in an effort to make us better parents.  Jack likes to draw pictures, but he likes it even more when Mom and Dad tell him that he is a great artist.  Jack likes to sneak up on you and try and surprise you.  His laugh is infectious and pure.  Most of all Jack is a flirt.  He does so love the ladies.  He always gets us the best tables in restaurants and makes quite the impression with the Walmart check out Girls.  I am always surprised that he does not come home with phone numbers tucked into his diaper.  This kid is the total package!

I have also watched each one of Jack’s milestones deliberately, and with attention to detail.  I remember his first smile. I remember when he rolled over the first time.  I remember the first time he truly laughed.  I remember his first fever, and the worry that went along with that. I remember his first word, and how it felt to hear him say Daddy.  I remember the first time he crawled and the first time he pulled up on a table to stand on his own two feet.  I remember his first steps and I remember his face smeared in birthday cake. Most of all, I remember every time his Mother has looked at him with that unconditional love that instantaneously makes her the most beautiful woman on the planet.

It is only natural that a parent would want to remember these things, but I do it for an entirely different reason.  Ya see, I have two kids before Jack and I cannot remember any of those things.  Trevor is 10 now and Veronica is 8 and when they were Baby’s, I was caught up in my addiction and my alcoholism.  I was loaded when my ex wife gave birth to Veronica.  I could not even stay sober for the birth of my child.  I cannot remember crawling or smiles, or first steps.  Ever so often something floats up through the haze and I get to have a moment with the Kids that I though was lost forever.  I was sober when Trevor broke his arm and I was able to drive him to the hospital and help keep my ex wife from descending into hysterics.  I remember Trevor dressed as Elvis for his second Halloween in full sequenced jumpsuit.  I remember Veronica smiling at me and when I would say, “Who does Daddy Love?”, she would squeal “Meeeee!”.  Not everything is lost.

Mostly I just feel guilty.  I look at Jack and I thank God that he has never had to deal with Daddy the active alcoholic, and I look at the other two and feel such remorse for my past actions.  That remorse is one thing that I like to reach out and touch from time to time.  Not to wallow in it, but simply to touch it.  That moment that reiterates to me just how powerless I am when it comes to alcohol, and how unmanageable my life could be.  Most people think it is a cop out when people say that they had no choice when it came to using alcohol or drugs.  It is unfathomable to the normal drinker that anyone could ever lose the power of choice when it comes to alcohol, but it must be placed in perspective.  What sane person decides to get drunk while their daughter is being born?  What sane person chooses to hurt those they love the most?  What sane person chooses to go to jail, or drive drunk?  These are the questions that must be asked when it comes to the option of choice.  I was driven to do those things and there was no choice in the matter.

How does one overcome the physical craving and the obsession of the mind?  Very simple. They take a hard look at sickness of their spirit, and take the action needed to heal that sickness.  If one is powerless, then it is makes sense that one must have power to overcome the adversity.  That power came to me in the form of the God that I had forsaken long ago.  Ya see, I thought God had disappeared and left me flat.  The reality is He had been there the whole time just waiting for me to look in the right direction.  Once I embraced that power, my sanity was restored and the power of choice came back in full force.

Today I get to remember every thing.  I thank God daily for my Family and the fact that they never have to see the insanity of my alcoholism.  I also thank God daily for my Alcoholism because I am not sure I would appreciate my life quite as much as I do. Yes, you heard me correctly, “Thank you God for making me an alcoholic.”

I am very sad to announce that my appearance at The Charis Festival in NM has just been canceled. I desperately wanted to appear with Jay Bakker, but the creator of the Festival had questionable motives and was not modeling the behaviors, ethics, values or morals that I wish to have my name or reputation to be in any association. Who would have thunk it? The following post is a letter sent to the Event Creator written by my Agent/Business Manager/Wife.  I hope this gives a good explaination for why we are no longer a part of the event. Thank you to all of you that have supported me in this and I look forward to seeing all of you at future events.

Terri,

While I wish you luck with your show, and appreciate the email to J.D., I feel it important that you know that we were already planning on canceling J.D.’s appearance at the Charis Festival via email this afternoon. Had I known that you were already considering canceling all speakers and singers, I would have sent this sooner in hopes of making that easier on you. I am CC’ing this email to others involved so that they may also be aware of the goings-on and not left in the dark or confused as to J.D.s’ involvement in the festival.

I am going to tell you this not to hurt your feelings or add to the negativity that you have been experiencing lately, but because I think it is important that you know why were planning on doing it. J.D. (just as yourself) has been a huge supporter of Jay and his ministry for years – he identifies with Jay’s struggles and triumphs and finds strength in his sermons. I myself would have never understood just what Grace means had it not been for Jay lighting that fire in J.D. and him in turn lighting it in me. When J.D. had a chance to speak with Jay, he was incredibly grateful and excited, and we both jumped at it. As you know, we recently started getting J.D.s speaking ministry off the ground – a chance to speak along side of one of his hero’s for his first official gig was too good to pass up.

Over the last month, it has become clear that you are struggling with some demons in your life that I am very familiar with, and you have been very vocal about going through them. That’s good, Terri – I commend you for doing so. Many of us were unable to vocalize the pain that divorce placed us in; many of us were unable to speak about our struggles with faith or church or The Church.. many of us were silent when we worried that our drinking may be getting out of hand. You were not – and that takes guts. I get it.

However; when you are promoting a festival of Grace (that which affords Joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness) and were really wanting to convey what that means, you absolutely must consider, at all times, who your audience is. People that already know Grace don’t have to go to a festival to learn about it or celebrate it – they are busy living it and giving it to others as God intended. It’s the people that are lost, disgraced, torn, broken and wounded that a festival of Grace should be for. It is people who are searching that will find the message that such a festival should be conveying – and if they are searching and they find the words that have been spoken/written by the creator of the event, they will walk away more lost than when they started out.

You should know some things about J.D. and myself. We live our lives now very different than how we used to and neither of us are strangers to struggling. We both have tried and failed many times to live our lives according to our own plans – we are painfully aware of how much it hurts to land hard on your ass when you climb high up on a pedestal to place anything but God there – whether it is drugs, alcohol, sex, food, gambling, or speaking at a festival with your hero. Unfortunately, I think we both were so blinded by the thrill of meeting and speaking with Jay that we didn’t see this festival turning into everything we live our lives to avoid.

J.D. goes to work everyday and feeds mens asses to them on a plate for even eluding to some of the attitudes that have been displayed in relation to the festival. There is just no way in good conscience that he could have spoken at a festival promoted by someone that blatantly uses alcoholism as an excuse to behave disgracefully. It just wouldn’t have made sense. At this point, supporting you by speaking at your festival would be against every belief we have – we might as well be buying you your next fix or holding a bottle to your lips.

When we decided to travel to New Mexico at our own expense, it was because we saw an opportunity to share J.D. message with an audience that was there to hear it – we have become concerned over the last month that that audience may have been chased away and replaced by an audience simply waiting to see what might happen next in a circus.

I battle depression &  anxiety on a daily basis, and I too used to pour alcohol on them in an attempt to quell their power over me – it didn’t matter that I knew it was a stupid thing to do. I too used to lash out at people that tried to throw their messages at me – whether I actually asked them for their message or not. I too used to set myself up to get beat up and ridiculed; doing so provides hours of material useful as another reason to drink more and cry harder and scream louder. I spent a lot of years forcing everyone in my life to call me names and treat my badly simply for a reason to feel persecuted. It was the only way I could justify how meaningless my life had become. So, your struggles don’t look foreign or lonely to me at all – they looks very familiar and transparent because I spent years stuck there, and then years focusing on getting and staying away from there.

Please make no mistake; I am not judging you or hurling insults at you. I sincerely hope that you find peace and a way out of the negativity that you have placed yourself in, and start taking a long hard look at the things you are robbing yourself and others of when you give in to it.

Many people have offered you help and a way out of the hole you have placed yourself in – you cannot smack their hand away over and over and expect them to come in after you. Consider, if you will, that the people that have been labeled by you as self serving and manipulative have been simply standing on your sidelines, feeling the need to protect and defend a set of values and beliefs that are important in their own lives, and not out to ruin you or your show or your personal walk through life.

Respectfully,

Sherri St.George Darley

Someone once asked me a question surrounding fear.  They ask me what I would do if someone pulled up in my drive way and jumped out of the car and said, Hello, my name is Fear and I am here to drive you around all day, hop in, would I willingly get into that vehicle and go for a ride?  The obvious answer to that is no.  Why would anyone in their right mind actually do that?  The problem is that unfortunately that is how I have lived most of my life.  I have always allowed fear of the future or the fear of my past to drive my present circumstances.  When the chips were down and I was sitting in the passenger seat, there was always one thing that could relieve that overwhelming fear and that was my old friend alcohol.  Alcohol was the one sure fire thing that allowed me to put out the fire of fear.  The problem is that when I would sober up, the driver of the vehicle had grown three feet and always had the keys jingling in my face ready to go again. 

Recovery has allowed me to gain the strength and the power to face those fears.  I learned that if God was driving the car then I never had to worry about what my destination was going to be.  Wherever the car stopped, it was always better than where I had just been.  It took Prayer and a deep relationship with God to put all of this into motion, with a personal understanding that at some point I had inevitably was going to try and reach out and grab the wheel, even when I knew that it was not a good idea. This is an every day process for me.  I would like to think that I do it perfectly every day, but that just would not be the truth.  The cool thing is that the times I try and take over are fewer and far between.  My ability to trust God with the wheel gets stronger every day. 

I am fortunate to be married to my best friend.  When I am not with her I feel like a part of me is missing and there is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for putting her in my life.  She has been my support system and has loved me through some of my darkest times.  She has shown incredible strength through adversity, before and after I became a part of her life.  Together we have taken four children from broken situations and we have mended together a Family that stands together through all things.  We have also brought a new baby into the world and his name is Jack.  Jack brings us great joy and his smile and spirit emphasize to us daily that we were meant to be together and we were meant to do great things.  I love her desperately, and I love her with all of my heart. 

A week ago we found a small lump on her breast.  I did my best to pretend it was nothing and to assure her that nothing could possibly be wrong.  When you live the way we do you sometimes allow things like health insurance to take a back seat to things that seem more important, like electricity and rent.  The Doctor was incredible and does not appear to be overly concerned.  She also pulled some strings so that Sherri can get a Mammogram at no cost for us.  I was moving through this process just fine when all of a sudden a car pulled into my parking lot yesterday and told me to hop in, fear was ready to take me for a ride.  In a matter of minutes, fear took me to my knees.  Why God?  Haven’t we been through enough?  Why would you go to so much trouble to bring us together, just to lay this on us now?  Why was I so afraid? 

I was afraid because I do not want to lose someone I love.  I was afraid because up until recently fear has taken me into the darkest places that I do not wish to ever visit.  I was afraid because I had stopped letting God drive the car.  Where was God in this?  It wasn’t in my prayer time.  I had not even for a moment turned and asked God for the strength to face what he had in store.  I found a quiet place and I got down on my knees and I turned this situation over to God.  I asked for strength and guidance and I thanked him for driving the car.  I then called Sherri and told her I was afraid. 

We lay in bed last night and she told me she was scared.  We held each other and we cried.  We prayed together and we did our best to allow God to do what God has to do.  We both slept soundly last night and when I got ready to leave this morning I kissed her good bye and was at peace to face the day.  I have no idea how this situation is going to play out, but I know God has us, just like he has always had us and for now…well that’s good enough. 

I love my wife with all my heart and all my soul and if you get some extra time on your hands we sure could use your prayers.