Reverend Johnny Dragon

So I had to ask myself what I was willing to do to be truly free.  At the time I thought that most of my problems had to do with my drinking and if I could just get a handle on that then all would be perfect.  My life was a shambles and minus alcohol all would be okay. This was my original motivation if you will. 

I would love to say that God reached down and touched me on the forehead healing me of all my character defects, but this was not how it was suppose to work out.  I had to beat myself into submission.  I made half hearted attempts to achieve sobriety, but consistently failed.  When the chips were down and no matter how much I did not want to drink, drinking still remained my solution.  Some people relapse thinking that this time things will be different, that this time they will be able to drink like normal people.  For me, this was never the case.  I knew exactly how it was going to end every single time, and just did not care.  Sure I wreck cars, sure I lose jobs, sure I hurt those I swore I would never harm, but if I could just gain some relief then all of that horror would be worth it.  This was my insanity.  Only those who have lain awake at night alone with the voices screaming in their heads will ever truly understand this insanity.

My Southern Baptist Missionary Mother, a Woman who I consider to have great faith once told me that she was afraid to even pray for me anymore.  She told me that she was afraid to pray for me because she was not sure what it would take for God to get my attention.  This was like being hit in the forehead by a two by four.  This got my attention long enough for me to decide that God was the only one powerful enough to change me.  I surrendered and went into a state of nonresistance, nonjudgment, and nonattachment.   This was not an immediate change.  It took the support of my very honest and in your face wife, and a lot of practiced discipline.  I also took the support of a fellowship of men and women who had a solution for my problem.

This is my day.  I wake up at 5:00 AM and I go into a Prayer and Meditation time.  I look at my day and I pray that my mind will be divorced of self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives.  I pray for intuition and inspiration in all of my actions, thoughts and deeds just for that day.  I pray for those I love, and I pray for those I despise.  Sometimes people move from the despised list to the loved list and back again to the despised list depending on the day.  I pray for awareness, neutrality, God consciousness, and for the ability to stay present to the Now.  I ask for strength not to drink, and I ask God to show me how to help others throughout the day.  After my prayer time I read something from different books and look for inspiration from my readings.    I then put twenty-four minutes on my digital timer and I meditate one minute for every hour of the day.  I seek quiet and solitude, listening to what God needs to tell me.  This is just the first hour that I am awake. I tell you this not to brag, but to have you come to an understanding.  I have to ask myself the question, is God everything or is he nothing?  If God is truly everything then why is it so difficult for people to devote time in the development of that relationship?  We turn to God in time of need, but allow the noise of life to crowd out his presence and his grace.  I thought it was about drinking, but what it was truly about was living.  To live I must tap into the Power that guides all things.  Why would anyone not want to experience peace even in the midst of chaos?  I start my day this way, because it makes me free.  I start my day this way because there is no other choice.  I never want things to be as they were, ever.

I will finish this little journey in Part 3.  Thank you to those who have given feedback so far, and I am willing to answer any additional questions through your comments and through your emails at jd@reverendjohnnydragon.com.  I look forward to your feedback.

Tags: Free, God, love, meditate, pray, Recovery

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.