Reverend Johnny Dragon

This is a letter I wrote to a local Life Coach In Austin.  It is meant to be funny so please do not think I am looking for a job.  I find the concept of the Life Coach to be extremely funny so I just could not resist.

To Whom it May Concern,

Well maybe not obscene amounts, but you get the picture.  I am a 38 year old self proclaimed, reformed slacker. I have no official certifications in this area, and have spent a vast majority of my life completely out of balance.  It took me 6 and a half years to graduate from college with one degree and I went full time.  I was a Sociology minor because the Sociology building was between my dorm and the cafeteria.  If there had been a Medical school between my dorm and the liquor store then I would be a Doctor.  My parents were great and spent a great deal of time pulling my ass out of predicaments with large sums of money, offering support in every way.  And of course I hated them.

I am divorced and remarried with five kids in all.  I just wish I liked children.  I work as a Program Director in a Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Center and will be continuing there even after you hire me, so let’s just get that out up front.  Everybody needs a day job.  I am a Spiritual person with great disdain for organized religion.  I prefer to unite instead of separate.  Let’s face it, the most segregated couple of hours in the open minded United States happens every Sunday morning, and that’s with an African American in the White House.  I attend the First Church of the Try Not to Piss Off the Universe.  I also believe in Awareness, Consciousness, and the Power of Now.

I like to make people laugh and I am not afraid to make people cry.  I feel both are very healing and very cleansing.  I know what goes on in the inner most darkness of a drug addicts soul.  I know what the voices say when they are alone inside their heads.  I know what it feels like to be completely misunderstood by everyone, and I know what it feels like to overcome it all.  I know what it feels like to gain balance, and I know how to show it to others. Regular screw-ups are no different than drug addict screw-ups.  The difference is we were smart enough to medicate.

I am not attaching a resume for two reasons.  One, I have never been truthful on one so why set myself up to be a liar.  Two, I do not expect you to take this seriously anyway.  I thought it might be fun to write, and quite frankly it has been.

Thank you for your time and I hope you got a laugh out of this.  My salary expectation is 50,000 dollars and I will need full benefits.  I am not willing to relocate and traveling is out of the question unless it is First Class and has a healthy daily allowance.

Sincerely,

Reverend Johnny Dragon

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