Reverend Johnny Dragon

Someone once asked me a question surrounding fear.  They ask me what I would do if someone pulled up in my drive way and jumped out of the car and said, Hello, my name is Fear and I am here to drive you around all day, hop in, would I willingly get into that vehicle and go for a ride?  The obvious answer to that is no.  Why would anyone in their right mind actually do that?  The problem is that unfortunately that is how I have lived most of my life.  I have always allowed fear of the future or the fear of my past to drive my present circumstances.  When the chips were down and I was sitting in the passenger seat, there was always one thing that could relieve that overwhelming fear and that was my old friend alcohol.  Alcohol was the one sure fire thing that allowed me to put out the fire of fear.  The problem is that when I would sober up, the driver of the vehicle had grown three feet and always had the keys jingling in my face ready to go again. 

Recovery has allowed me to gain the strength and the power to face those fears.  I learned that if God was driving the car then I never had to worry about what my destination was going to be.  Wherever the car stopped, it was always better than where I had just been.  It took Prayer and a deep relationship with God to put all of this into motion, with a personal understanding that at some point I had inevitably was going to try and reach out and grab the wheel, even when I knew that it was not a good idea. This is an every day process for me.  I would like to think that I do it perfectly every day, but that just would not be the truth.  The cool thing is that the times I try and take over are fewer and far between.  My ability to trust God with the wheel gets stronger every day. 

I am fortunate to be married to my best friend.  When I am not with her I feel like a part of me is missing and there is not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for putting her in my life.  She has been my support system and has loved me through some of my darkest times.  She has shown incredible strength through adversity, before and after I became a part of her life.  Together we have taken four children from broken situations and we have mended together a Family that stands together through all things.  We have also brought a new baby into the world and his name is Jack.  Jack brings us great joy and his smile and spirit emphasize to us daily that we were meant to be together and we were meant to do great things.  I love her desperately, and I love her with all of my heart. 

A week ago we found a small lump on her breast.  I did my best to pretend it was nothing and to assure her that nothing could possibly be wrong.  When you live the way we do you sometimes allow things like health insurance to take a back seat to things that seem more important, like electricity and rent.  The Doctor was incredible and does not appear to be overly concerned.  She also pulled some strings so that Sherri can get a Mammogram at no cost for us.  I was moving through this process just fine when all of a sudden a car pulled into my parking lot yesterday and told me to hop in, fear was ready to take me for a ride.  In a matter of minutes, fear took me to my knees.  Why God?  Haven’t we been through enough?  Why would you go to so much trouble to bring us together, just to lay this on us now?  Why was I so afraid? 

I was afraid because I do not want to lose someone I love.  I was afraid because up until recently fear has taken me into the darkest places that I do not wish to ever visit.  I was afraid because I had stopped letting God drive the car.  Where was God in this?  It wasn’t in my prayer time.  I had not even for a moment turned and asked God for the strength to face what he had in store.  I found a quiet place and I got down on my knees and I turned this situation over to God.  I asked for strength and guidance and I thanked him for driving the car.  I then called Sherri and told her I was afraid. 

We lay in bed last night and she told me she was scared.  We held each other and we cried.  We prayed together and we did our best to allow God to do what God has to do.  We both slept soundly last night and when I got ready to leave this morning I kissed her good bye and was at peace to face the day.  I have no idea how this situation is going to play out, but I know God has us, just like he has always had us and for now…well that’s good enough. 

I love my wife with all my heart and all my soul and if you get some extra time on your hands we sure could use your prayers.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 24th, 2009 at 11:51 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.