Reverend Johnny Dragon

My Wife and I have five kids between us and a happy surprise due in July.  I remember telling my parents at the ripe old age of 20 that I did not want kids nor would I ever have any.  God has an incredible sense of humor.  Our youngest, Jack, just turned one in November and in a very short period of time he has taught me so much.  Jack has a sense of humor, and loves to make people laugh.  Jack very seldom takes anything personally, and when we have to discipline him he seems to think that he has done us a favor in an effort to make us better parents.  Jack likes to draw pictures, but he likes it even more when Mom and Dad tell him that he is a great artist.  Jack likes to sneak up on you and try and surprise you.  His laugh is infectious and pure.  Most of all Jack is a flirt.  He does so love the ladies.  He always gets us the best tables in restaurants and makes quite the impression with the Walmart check out Girls.  I am always surprised that he does not come home with phone numbers tucked into his diaper.  This kid is the total package!

I have also watched each one of Jack’s milestones deliberately, and with attention to detail.  I remember his first smile. I remember when he rolled over the first time.  I remember the first time he truly laughed.  I remember his first fever, and the worry that went along with that. I remember his first word, and how it felt to hear him say Daddy.  I remember the first time he crawled and the first time he pulled up on a table to stand on his own two feet.  I remember his first steps and I remember his face smeared in birthday cake. Most of all, I remember every time his Mother has looked at him with that unconditional love that instantaneously makes her the most beautiful woman on the planet.

It is only natural that a parent would want to remember these things, but I do it for an entirely different reason.  Ya see, I have two kids before Jack and I cannot remember any of those things.  Trevor is 10 now and Veronica is 8 and when they were Baby’s, I was caught up in my addiction and my alcoholism.  I was loaded when my ex wife gave birth to Veronica.  I could not even stay sober for the birth of my child.  I cannot remember crawling or smiles, or first steps.  Ever so often something floats up through the haze and I get to have a moment with the Kids that I though was lost forever.  I was sober when Trevor broke his arm and I was able to drive him to the hospital and help keep my ex wife from descending into hysterics.  I remember Trevor dressed as Elvis for his second Halloween in full sequenced jumpsuit.  I remember Veronica smiling at me and when I would say, “Who does Daddy Love?”, she would squeal “Meeeee!”.  Not everything is lost.

Mostly I just feel guilty.  I look at Jack and I thank God that he has never had to deal with Daddy the active alcoholic, and I look at the other two and feel such remorse for my past actions.  That remorse is one thing that I like to reach out and touch from time to time.  Not to wallow in it, but simply to touch it.  That moment that reiterates to me just how powerless I am when it comes to alcohol, and how unmanageable my life could be.  Most people think it is a cop out when people say that they had no choice when it came to using alcohol or drugs.  It is unfathomable to the normal drinker that anyone could ever lose the power of choice when it comes to alcohol, but it must be placed in perspective.  What sane person decides to get drunk while their daughter is being born?  What sane person chooses to hurt those they love the most?  What sane person chooses to go to jail, or drive drunk?  These are the questions that must be asked when it comes to the option of choice.  I was driven to do those things and there was no choice in the matter.

How does one overcome the physical craving and the obsession of the mind?  Very simple. They take a hard look at sickness of their spirit, and take the action needed to heal that sickness.  If one is powerless, then it is makes sense that one must have power to overcome the adversity.  That power came to me in the form of the God that I had forsaken long ago.  Ya see, I thought God had disappeared and left me flat.  The reality is He had been there the whole time just waiting for me to look in the right direction.  Once I embraced that power, my sanity was restored and the power of choice came back in full force.

Today I get to remember every thing.  I thank God daily for my Family and the fact that they never have to see the insanity of my alcoholism.  I also thank God daily for my Alcoholism because I am not sure I would appreciate my life quite as much as I do. Yes, you heard me correctly, “Thank you God for making me an alcoholic.”

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 12th, 2009 at 9:02 am. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.